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F feeding Daddy cake
at his first birthday party. |
It's been so long since I posted to this blog that my computer didn't even auto-fill the URL when I started to type it in! The date of my last entry was May 15 - exactly 10 days before F's first birthday which coincided with visits from my grandmother (who hadn't met F in person yet), my sister and my in-laws. We had a HUGE first birthday party and then promptly jetted off to New York to surprise my in-laws at a surprise retirement party that involved more family (including F meeting his other great grandma for the first time) and flying with a 1-year-old. Whew...
Fast forward to mid-June and I was exhausted. Completely and utterly exhausted and suddenly starting to feel pretty yucky every day, too. While I thought about the blog a lot - I barely had the energy to make it through the day, much less post a blog about the fun and family time we'd enjoyed over the prior month.
So here comes the big reveal: I found out I was pregnant. We were completely stunned, as most of you know that it took nearly two years and lots of medical support to get pregnant with F (hence the name of this blog... I was dreaming of diapers long before I got to experience them...) We were excited - but also really tentative: where would the new baby sleep?; how would we pay for two kids in school?; how on earth did this happen so easily - we weren't even paying attention to temperatures and medicines and dates and, oh my!!
Our doctor's office shared in our tentative excitement and scheduled an appointment for July 25 for our first checkup, assuming I'd be 8-10 weeks by then and we'd see a heartbeat, get a due date and be on our way. So - we went about our lives with a big secret surrounding us, because that's kind of what people do for the first trimester of pregnancy. We didn't even tell family because we just wanted to be sure everything was good before we let the cat out of the bag.
Fast forward again to this past Monday. We went to the doctor and heard all kinds of "congratulations", received all kinds of flyers and the 2011 handbook on what's new at the hospital, classes to sign up for, etc. Our nurse practitioner pulled out a little wheely calendar and said she thought we'd be due in February. Oh boy! Then came the ultrasound... Lots of fuzzy things to see - but when they found the fetus it just didn't look like what I remember seeing when we saw F as a little bean the first time. While she thought she might have seen a heartbeat for a second, she just couldn't find it again easily. So she called in a doctor - who also couldn't find the heartbeat, but didn't seem too worried and left the room saying "Congratulations, again!" But we weren't so sure. The nurse explained a few things and ordered some blood work to happen over the course of 48 hours. I got my blood drawn that day and cried a little - but tried to stay optimistic.
Got a call early Tuesday morning saying the blood work wasn't what they expected (numbers should be around 12Kish, mine were at 70Kish) - head in for another, more comprehensive ultrasound. I'm sure I have some friends who are or are close to radiologists - so sorry - but radiologists are pretty cold. They know what they're looking at, but they just won't tell you.... Half hour later they were calling the nurse and sending me home without a single reveal of what was going on. I bet radiologists are great at poker.
While driving down the highway, I got the call. No heartbeat - and, surprise, possibly something called a
molar pregnancy. I was scheduled for a consult with my doctor the next day (Wednesday) and scheduled for a procedure called a
D&C to remove all tissue on Thursday. I did okay (take note - the nurse offered several times that I could call back when out of the car and even asked me to pull over, but I said no) - until my husband called me after I sent an urgent "CALL ME" text. By then I was back at my office with a stiff upper lip, about to share the news with my bosses and figure out my schedule for the next few days, but I completely lost it. I couldn't hold it together and sobbed like I haven't in a long time right in front of my office with surely scared co-workers watching through the windows. It was awful.
The appointment Wednesday was tough, but my doctor - who I really, really like - was reassuring that there was no point in waiting, this was a failed pregnancy, and that it was important to go ahead with the D&C so they could biopsy the tissue and determine the molar pregnancy issue. By the way - she's 98% sure it's not, which I'm holding on to - but will know more next week when the pathology comes back. They did a few things on Wednesday that essentially started the procedure. It was really hard to make that decision - at that point there was no turning back.
Yesterday was really hard. I am not sure if I cried more for the loss or more for the fear - as those of you know know me well know how much I hate medical stuff. Being alone in the pre-op room (or at least, alone in my little curtained area) was excruciating, although my pre-op nurse was really sweet and tried really hard to make conversation and get me to focus on F and how much fun it is to have a 14-month-old. There was also a little old lady next to me getting ready for surgery who was hilarious (she was mortified that she had to be "naked" for surgery. She said "no one wants to see me with my bra off! Oh, Lord!" Her nurse said that may be true, but it's just the rules...) and my pre-op nurse and I had a good chuckle over her and her antics a few times. Finally my husband was able to come in with me and that helped a lot.
I must have been exhausted from all the emotion and anticipation, because when the anesthesiologist gave me something to relax me I pretty much don't remember anything else until I woke up in the recovery room. My husband said I was pretty out of it when they wheeled me away. To be honest, I'm glad. I just wanted it to be over - and now it is.
So I'm crying again as I write this, and I'm not entirely sure again if it's about the loss, or the trauma of going from way up to way down in the course of just a few days, or if it's fear of what people will think when they read this. I might be telling way too much - but I was inspired by this
blog post from Jody Pratt on Babble about "suffering in silence" and how taboo this topic is. It's crazy to think that one of the most important experiences you'll ever have in your life is usually kept a complete secret for 1/3 of the time. Having been now on both sides of the fence - the side that turned out great and the side that I truly believe worked out the way it was supposed to according to a bigger plan - I get why we approach it both ways. But I'm also going back to the original purpose of my blog. When I was going through infertility a few years ago it was excruciating to have to provide updates regularly - even to my closest friends and family - especially to share the hard stuff - like, "No - it didn't work this time either." I know a lot of my friends have been wondering what's been going on and I'm sorry I couldn't tell you directly - but I hope this (long) narrative suffices.
The bright side of things? You know crying normally requires a tissue - and we have very few whole tissues left in the house because F likes to pull them out of boxes as if he were practicing for the
Hanky Panky challenge on Minute to Win It. Each time I reach for a tissue and get a shred instead (as I just did) I get a chuckle. He's pretty funny, and I'm so, so very grateful we have him. Also - I am going to get my butt in gear at the gym. I was starting to get motivated with F approaching his first birthday (and me approaching still having a bit too much baby weight) but I backed off with a new bean on board... Finally - I've really been wanting a cold beverage (think margarita, cold beer, something along those lines) in this heat, and now I can have one! That will add to the summer fun.
So - I'm back on track (or will be soon) with the blog, and hope that reading this helps answer some questions. Even if no one ever reads this - it felt really good to write it, so my original idea really worked! Blessings to you all.
