Crashing Down Never Felt So Good

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FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I realized that I left anyone who's been checking my blog for an update on the blood work from last week hanging - so sorry! Although it's really preliminary information (we need a few weeks blood work to establish an actual trend), my first blood draw showed a significant drop in the exact numbers we're hoping to see go down - which is tentatively great news. To be exact - I went from an HCG level of 79,000 pre-surgery to a number less than 1,800. My doctor had told me tentatively to expect something around 20,000 - so I'm really happy! Granted, there is still a lot more to learn, but this preliminary news is good so I'm sticking with it. More updates to come! Thanks, again, for all the positive support.

Doctor's Note

Image: Ambro / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

So the pathology is back from my procedure last week and I wish I had better news. I was really hopeful that I suffered a simple miscarriage and everything would be done as of last week - but it turns out that the pathologists "can't rule out" the possibility of a partial molar pregnancy. And while "can't rule out" isn't the same as "we know for sure you have...", my doctor recommends that we proceed as if it's confirmed so that we can closely monitor and find out what's really going on.

What does all of this mean? Well - I'm no doctor and as most patients do I probably heard mostly the negative parts of the call - but at the most basic level I am going to have blood draws every week for the foreseeable future as they monitor my pregnancy hormones. Following last week's procedure, if it's not a molar pregnancy my levels should drop back to zero in the coming weeks. If it is a molar pregnancy, the levels will either plateau or possibly go up, which means we move on to some drug therapy. My first blood draw is tomorrow, then I'll be making friends at the lab every week. Hopefully in a few weeks we'll have some good news in that the numbers plummet and all will be well. If not - we'll take it one week at a time.

Thanks to everyone for their support as we navigate this difficult time. The kind notes and reminders of friendship we've received - like the amazing dinner and wine provided by my dear friend Jen this evening - are true reminders that the important things in life revolve around friends and family and that's what really matters. Together you're helping us get through this rough patch - so thank you!

Ups and Downs - Back on Track

F feeding Daddy cake
at his first birthday party.

It's been so long since I posted to this blog that my computer didn't even auto-fill the URL when I started to type it in! The date of my last entry was May 15 - exactly 10 days before F's first birthday which coincided with visits from my grandmother (who hadn't met F in person yet), my sister and my in-laws. We had a HUGE first birthday party and then promptly jetted off to New York to surprise my in-laws at a surprise retirement party that involved more family (including F meeting his other great grandma for the first time) and flying with a 1-year-old. Whew...

Fast forward to mid-June and I was exhausted. Completely and utterly exhausted and suddenly starting to feel pretty yucky every day, too. While I thought about the blog a lot - I barely had the energy to make it through the day, much less post a blog about the fun and family time we'd enjoyed over the prior month.

So here comes the big reveal: I found out I was pregnant. We were completely stunned, as most of you know that it took nearly two years and lots of medical support to get pregnant with F (hence the name of this blog... I was dreaming of diapers long before I got to experience them...) We were excited - but also really tentative: where would the new baby sleep?; how would we pay for two kids in school?; how on earth did this happen so easily - we weren't even paying attention to temperatures and medicines and dates and, oh my!!

Our doctor's office shared in our tentative excitement and scheduled an appointment for July 25 for our first checkup, assuming I'd be 8-10 weeks by then and we'd see a heartbeat, get a due date and be on our way. So - we went about our lives with a big secret surrounding us, because that's kind of what people do for the first trimester of pregnancy. We didn't even tell family because we just wanted to be sure everything was good before we let the cat out of the bag.

Fast forward again to this past Monday. We went to the doctor and heard all kinds of "congratulations", received all kinds of flyers and the 2011 handbook on what's new at the hospital, classes to sign up for, etc. Our nurse practitioner pulled out a little wheely calendar and said she thought we'd be due in February. Oh boy! Then came the ultrasound... Lots of fuzzy things to see - but when they found the fetus it just didn't look like what I remember seeing when we saw F as a little bean the first time. While she thought she might have seen a heartbeat for a second, she just couldn't find it again easily. So she called in a doctor - who also couldn't find the heartbeat, but didn't seem too worried and left the room saying "Congratulations, again!" But we weren't so sure. The nurse explained a few things and ordered some blood work to happen over the course of 48 hours. I got my blood drawn that day and cried a little - but tried to stay optimistic.

Got a call early Tuesday morning saying the blood work wasn't what they expected (numbers should be around 12Kish, mine were at 70Kish) - head in for another, more comprehensive ultrasound. I'm sure I have some friends who are or are close to radiologists - so sorry - but radiologists are pretty cold. They know what they're looking at, but they just won't tell you.... Half hour later they were calling the nurse and sending me home without a single reveal of what was going on. I bet radiologists are great at poker.

While driving down the highway, I got the call. No heartbeat - and, surprise, possibly something called a molar pregnancy. I was scheduled for a consult with my doctor the next day (Wednesday) and scheduled for a procedure called a D&C to remove all tissue on Thursday. I did okay (take note - the nurse offered several times that I could call back when out of the car and even asked me to pull over, but I said no) - until my husband called me after I sent an urgent "CALL ME" text. By then I was back at my office with a stiff upper lip, about to share the news with my bosses and figure out my schedule for the next few days, but I completely lost it. I couldn't hold it together and sobbed like I haven't in a long time right in front of my office with surely scared co-workers watching through the windows. It was awful.

The appointment Wednesday was tough, but my doctor - who I really, really like - was reassuring that there was no point in waiting, this was a failed pregnancy, and that it was important to go ahead with the D&C so they could biopsy the tissue and determine the molar pregnancy issue. By the way - she's 98% sure it's not, which I'm holding on to - but will know more next week when the pathology comes back. They did a few things on Wednesday that essentially started the procedure. It was really hard to make that decision - at that point there was no turning back.

Yesterday was really hard. I am not sure if I cried more for the loss or more for the fear - as those of you know know me well know how much I hate medical stuff. Being alone in the pre-op room (or at least, alone in my little curtained area) was excruciating, although my pre-op nurse was really sweet and tried really hard to make conversation and get me to focus on F and how much fun it is to have a 14-month-old. There was also a little old lady next to me getting ready for surgery who was hilarious (she was mortified that she had to be "naked" for surgery. She said "no one wants to see me with my bra off! Oh, Lord!" Her nurse said that may be true, but it's just the rules...) and my pre-op nurse and I had a good chuckle over her and her antics a few times. Finally my husband was able to come in with me and that helped a lot.

I must have been exhausted from all the emotion and anticipation, because when the anesthesiologist gave me something to relax me I pretty much don't remember anything else until I woke up in the recovery room. My husband said I was pretty out of it when they wheeled me away. To be honest, I'm glad. I just wanted it to be over - and now it is.

So I'm crying again as I write this, and I'm not entirely sure again if it's about the loss, or the trauma of going from way up to way down in the course of just a few days, or if it's fear of what people will think when they read this. I might be telling way too much - but I was inspired by this blog post from Jody Pratt on Babble about "suffering in silence" and how taboo this topic is. It's crazy to think that one of the most important experiences you'll ever have in your life is usually kept a complete secret for 1/3 of the time. Having been now on both sides of the fence - the side that turned out great and the side that I truly believe worked out the way it was supposed to according to a bigger plan - I get why we approach it both ways. But I'm also going back to the original purpose of my blog. When I was going through infertility a few years ago it was excruciating to have to provide updates regularly - even to my closest friends and family - especially to share the hard stuff - like, "No - it didn't work this time either." I know a lot of my friends have been wondering what's been going on and I'm sorry I couldn't tell you directly - but I hope this (long) narrative suffices.

The bright side of things? You know crying normally requires a tissue - and we have very few whole tissues left in the house because F likes to pull them out of boxes as if he were practicing for the Hanky Panky challenge on Minute to Win It. Each time I reach for a tissue and get a shred instead (as I just did) I get a chuckle. He's pretty funny, and I'm so, so very grateful we have him. Also - I am going to get my butt in gear at the gym. I was starting to get motivated with F approaching his first birthday (and me approaching still having a bit too much baby weight) but I backed off with a new bean on board... Finally - I've really been wanting a cold beverage (think margarita, cold beer, something along those lines) in this heat, and now I can have one! That will add to the summer fun.

So - I'm back on track (or will be soon) with the blog, and hope that reading this helps answer some questions. Even if no one ever reads this - it felt really good to write it, so my original idea really worked! Blessings to you all.

Delicious Dish: $5 Dinners' Spicy Chorizo and Lentil Soup

So, I have the cooking bug again. Maybe it's because of listening to my friend Alexis talk about her latest deliveries from Door To Door Organics, or maybe it was attending her bridal shower and seeing all the fantastic kitchen accessories she got. Either way - I spent the weekend thinking of how to balance mom duties after work (it's really hard with only a few awake hours with Baby F after a long day...) and cooking, which really makes me happy and helps me feel like I have a really important role directing nutrition for our family!

Photo Credit: 5DollarDinners.com

I started following Erin Chase of $5 Dinners awhile ago but had never made one of her recipes - so I decided to give it a whirl last night, and I'm so glad I did! I selected Spicy Chorizo and Lentil Soup as my first foray, particularly because it's gluten free and I'm starting to toy with trying to get back on that diet to support my PCOS (that's a whole other blog post someday...)

The dinner was delicious and we have some good leftovers that I'm excited to break into tomorrow evening (tonight we enjoyed a chicken that I roasted last night while we ate dinner to get myself ahead, as a roast chicken takes too long to make on a normal work night!) Since chorizo isn't the healthiest of proteins, I made it a little more lean by rinsing the chorizo under super hot water in a colander after browning it - a tip I learned while researching heart healthy recipes after my father-in-law had a triple bypass a few years ago. That technique might have stripped some of the flavor, but we didn't notice a difference and still found the dish spicy and flavorful. I served it with a whole grain tortilla and a side of steamed asparagus. Delicious!

From Russia With Love

Today was a very special day - I got to meet Laura and Greg Aden's little boy Jackson who they just adopted from Russia. What a darling, vibrant, happy and outgoing little boy! And did I mention ACTIVE? Oh boy... I need a nap thinking of how tired I'll be chasing Baby F around when he's Jackson's age!

I adore Laura for so many reasons (you should know that she hired me even though I spilled coffee all over her beautiful, winter-white outfit almost five years ago now...), but we became closer over the past few years sharing in the trials and tribulations of trying to grow our families - me struggling with infertility and her with the ups and downs of trying to adopt. What a blessing that today we're both fulfilled in having achieved our dreams of growing our families to include happy, healthy little boys! What a difference a year (or two) makes.

What strikes me the most on the battlegrounds of infertility and adoption is that sometimes the people who want babies the most - those who would really make the ultimate parents - are those who face the highest hurdles. Both infertility and adoption come at a high price (emotionally and monetarily), and some try and try at both avenues only to run into road blocks along the way. Not to mention the other side of the story - the sweet kids like Jackson who would love to join a loving home and have no understanding that there are loving parents out there, it's just not quite so easy to put two-and-two together.

My wish tonight is that all those out there struggling with whatever barriers exist between them and a loving family will have the strength and resources to overcome those barriers. No matter what their future family looks like, I can say from experience that in the end it's worth the struggle.

Back in the saddle!

I secured this blog site more than a year ago while I was in the throes of fertility treatments. Hoping for an outlet to share my experience and find a little peace in writing down how I felt - I was blessed to become pregnant several months after securing the site and (luckily, I guess...) before I started really blogging on the topic!

Now I'm getting lots of hands-on diaper experience (pun intended - hands washed thoroughly...) and look forward to resurrecting the blog with a whole new theme. I still "dream of diapers" - but in a whole new way!

Looking forward to sharing my thoughts with you.